Shidduch Narratives: Sharing a Life in Context

A dilemma faced in many shidduchim is how much and when to reveal less than positive aspects about oneself.  On one hand, there is a realistic concern that revealing too much too early will doom the relationship before it gets off the ground.  On the other hand, not revealing pertinent information creates its own problems. The person feels like a fraud and will question whatever positive feedback he is getting from his partner. “How positive would she feel about me if she knew the truth about me?” “She likes the person I’m pretending to be and not the real me.” Likewise, the truth often comes out later, and even if the person had a psak that he wasn’t halachically obligated to disclose this information – and even if the partner would have accepted the shidduch if they had been told, now they resent having been deceived.

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